Banned from zoo.
Again?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Randomize
