i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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