oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
