cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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