toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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