my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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