Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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