life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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