Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize