20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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