i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
