She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
