he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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