so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
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All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
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Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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