She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
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