Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
