We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
