yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
