Betty ford says i'm here all night
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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