you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
