Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
