True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
