i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
God, I missed his penis.
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