I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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