I faked an abortion last night.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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