god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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