Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
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I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
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The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.