i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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