There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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