Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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