Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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