I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
