if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
