i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
How does it feel to date your dad?
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