Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
