Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
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If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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