I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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