My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
