just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
