Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
