drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
