Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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