when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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