my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
