apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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