My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
