I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
