On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
home. puking in laundry basket.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
