It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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