Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
