i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
