what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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