I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
