so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
