You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
